My friend recently faced one of the most devastating news of her life as a parent. She found out she miscarried during her 11 week ultrasound appointment. She found relief in writing down her experience, thoughts and feelings as the days go by from when she found out. She hopes that by sharing her story, others can relate and feel that they’re not alone. I know I truly appreciate her courage in sharing her experience with others. Here is her story in multi-part posts:
I am a walking vessel of death. Every day since the news, I wait. When will I have closure? When can I start over?
Five days ago I found out my baby-to-be had no heartbeat. I was 11 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I went for my dating and IPS ultrasound. The tech took me in and asked my husband to wait outside until she called him. She said I must have my dates wrong because the fetus was measuring 10 weeks. I thought it was a little strange because I was very sure about my dates. Then my second thought was, well, maybe it’s a small little girl! She did her thing and sent me out. I asked about my husband and she said I’d have to come back anyway next week because it was too early to do the IPS and he could come in then. I was furious. He took time off work. That bitch. I gave her shit and left.
Hours later, my midwife called.
Me: Hi, Tracey!
Midwife: Where are you right now?
Me: Let me just step out of this room, I’m with family (no one knew I was pregnant)
Midwife: I wanted to call you about your ultrasound…. I’m so sorry to tell you… but there was no heartbeat…
My heart sunk. I couldn’t stop crying.
And now, five days later, I am waiting for my appointment at the early pregnancy clinic to discuss “my options”. What options? My baby is dead*.
I am carrying a dead fetus inside me. No blood. No spotting. Nothing. Just death. And I wait. I wait for them to tell me that I can either wait some more, insert some meds to make the miscarriage begin, or have them scrape and suction the fetus out of me.
And as I wait, I feel dirty. Who would have thought that this could make someone feel dirty? It feels unnatural to be carrying a dead fetus. And since no one knew I was pregnant (other than some immediate family), I go about pretending that life is normal, but it’s far from.
(to be continued)
* I know it’s not a baby yet, but we started to imagine it as such.